I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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