Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
