the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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