I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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