Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Randomize
