Who wears a wallet chain?!
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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