it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
