I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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