I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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