just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
