so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
