My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
