this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
