my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
