he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
