Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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