I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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