Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Randomize
