Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
