I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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