i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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