Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
