the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
