too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
