I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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