the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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