i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
