nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
