We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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