I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
