I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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