Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
