cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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