everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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