my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
