My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
