"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
