New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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