If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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