i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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