I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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