Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
