just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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