A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
