If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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