im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
