What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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