i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
