I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
