I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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