Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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