I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I will pee on everything he values.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize