Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize