I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I can't turn off my feet"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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