Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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