I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
