Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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