What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
