Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Randomize
