she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
