i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
