Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
What drink are we having for lunch?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
