I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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