just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize