Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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