Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
