I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
