I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
