..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
